What has you stressed in life? Breakup? Divorce? Boss? Prices? Weight? Politics? Netflix banning password sharing? Let it all out at Lose It Rage Room in Woodbridge.
I went on a Wednesday, completing the requisite waiver to literally sign away my life. Once inside, I was greeted with an assortment of weapons and breakable objects: baseball bats and sledgehammers to attack mugs, plates, desks. No firearms, which seems wise.
An employee named Larry spelled out the ground rules, including “aim all destruction only at the front wall” and “don’t use weapons on other people.” (Noted.) Before starting, he outfitted me with a welding helmet and protective gloves. All attendees must wear long shirts, long pants, and closed-toe shoes — you don’t want shards of glass piercing your skin.
Then he asked for music preferences. I queued up “Through the Fire and Flames” by DragonForce and “I Hate Everything About You” by Three Days Grace, two loud 2000s rock songs. The most offbeat music requests? “Man, we’ve gotten everything,” Larry laughed. “Mongolian throat singing. Alvin and the Chipmunks. Christmas music in July.”
Pricing packages feature names like Controlled Chaos, Boiling Point, and Colossal Rage. I opted for the Therapy package: 10 minutes for $60.
Unleashing a primal scream, I clenched a bowl and threw it against the wall with my best Justin Verlander motion. Then I tossed a cup into the air, let it descend for a split second, and smashed it with a sledgehammer like Gallagher. Shatter! Splinter! Crack!
There was catharsis in the controlled entropy. Amid a world that can make you feel so minuscule, from national elections to the global climate, here, you control how things fall apart and go to pieces.
The nascent 2020s have been filled with headlines about assaults committed in unprecedented settings. But here, it felt healthy to see people take out their emotions in an acceptable way — for once.
“We’ve had everybody in here, from Alcoholics Anonymous to a group of juvenile detention teens wearing ankle monitors,” Larry says.
For extra fees, you can smash more expensive items: $30 for a laptop, $60 for a printer, $80 for a TV. The storage space contains everything from irons to toasters, hand vacuums to water filters, VCRs to an endoscopy machine. You can even bring a framed photo of your ex.
I’d recommend this venue for almost anyone. Friends? Sure. Enemies? Even better. Colleagues? A corporate package promises “a great opportunity for employees to better bond.”
“I’m a rageaholic!” Homer Simpson once lamented. “I just can’t live without rage-ahol.” If you can’t either, hit up Lose It Rage Room, and I do mean hit up. 3085 Golansky Blvd., Woodbridge
Feature image by Jeff Heeney