Usually I stick to writing about dating and relationships. There’s plenty to say about the meeting phase when two people are on the brink of being a couple or not. And plenty to say about that early period and trying to work through being in a partnership.
And then, not based on personal experience mind you, there’s plenty to tap into when it comes to those established couples and how they relate. For that, I love to talk to married pairs and find out about the getting hitched part and then what transpires when they pick to be together for always.
Recently I expanded my repertoire, shall we say, to writing about sex. The current print issue of Northern Virginia Magazine has a reported piece I wrote in which I talked to sex therapists and some sex shops in the region to come to some sort of understanding about the issues being faced locally when it comes to, in the words of the eloquent ’90s band Limp Bizkit, the nookie.
A more fascinating assignment rarely comes across your desk. Each sex therapist, in particular, shared story after story about their clients (confidentially of course) and the sexual obstacles they were working through.
Here are the top takeaways I got from interviewing these sex-perts:
A lack of communication about sex is a massive—and, dare I say, societal—problem.
Every, I repeat every, therapist I spoke to cited it as a major reason why couples were coming in. And the sad part is that by the time many go in for counseling it’s reached a pretty bad point. No intimacy whatsoever. Contemplating divorce.
The lesson: Voice early, often and always what each partner wants in bed. If you don’t it only gets worse, turning into some gigantic elephant preventing you from getting it on in any way.
Women blame themselves far, far too often.
I guess Sheryl Sandberg could have told me this one. For some reason women are incredibly hard on themselves, whether in the bedroom or board room. We don’t accept credit for being a rock star professional. And one of the sex therapists said that ladies also tend to take their man’s inability to get it up super personally.
The lesson: Stop this, ladies. His lack of erection could be medical, psychological. Megan Fox could be giving him a lap dance and … nothing. Control what you can control.
There is such a thing as group sex therapy.
And no, I don’t mean an orgy. When I first started asking about how to treat sexual dysfunction and intimacy issues for couples, I wondered whether the couples saw a professinal together or apart. Then I, half jokingly, asked if there’s ever a time when therapists work with couples together. Turns out, in some cases, it’s a very empowering way to get couples to be more open about sex. Get your head out of the gutter—I mean in a discussing and strategizing way. These sessions don’t turn into acting out the solution afterall; just sharing about vibrators and dialogue, and setting a romantic scene.
The lesson: There’s no one size fits all when it comes to working through sex issues.
Power and control are ongoing themes.
I guess anyone who’s seen a Demi Moore movie in the last 20 years knows this. The sex therapists mentioned that one partner constantly initiating sex, constantly having to be the aggressor, creates a dynamic.
The lesson: Equal, equal, equal. No one wants to feel like they care more, they try more, they do more. Mix it up so both people are on even footing in the relationship.
Women in their 30s are a frequent client.
Actually this was a positive learning. A few of the therapists said by the time ladies had made it past their 20s they wanted to enjoy sex and not have any hangups. So it’s more a case of proactive maintenance, preventing a problem from happening, getting to a point of comfort about sex.
The lesson: I’d simply say, Go ladies!
-Dena