By Clayton Dean
My name is Clayton Dean, and I have a problem: This is my last episode talking to you about my seemingly underfed, underloved, underplayed-with hound who is convinced he’s a human. He is none of the above—he’s a dog. He’s a black short-haired beast who is a giant pain in the derriere. Trouble recently turned 2 and tries to spend every minute with the kids or myself and is on constant alert for any would-be transgressors be they deer, mailperson or Girl Scout who makes the mistake of walking by the front of our house.
Despite his irritating quirks, Trouble has been featured prominently in our family Christmas calendars (for two years now!). He’s the perfect photogenic representation of the loyal, devoted pet. However, Trouble’s list of transgressions is longer than the catalog of bad Nicholas Cage movies. Here’s an abbreviated list, some of which have been recounted over the preceding year:
Ate a couch pillow. We don’t know where the stuffing went, only that it was in the pillow when we went to bed. There has never been any trace of it. Ever.
Chewed, and mostly returned, no fewer than 14 pairs of underwear, 15-20 random socks (we’ve lost count), three sets of foam flip flops, innumerable pencils and what we think may have been a spoon.
Snatched at least four meals off the counter, including steaks, turkey and, in what was an amazing feat of daring-do, a large sausage that disappeared in about 3.5 seconds, much like a child slurping spaghetti.
Peed on my foot. Indoors. I will admit that at the time he was only a puppy and we were on our way to a walk. And to be fair, my children also peed on me when they were infants.
Pooped in the car. While it was moving. With people all around him. Resulting in what could only be described as real “I-66 Adventure Driving.” If I cut you off that day, I truly apologize. My sudden lane changes and rapid acceleration didn’t help as my equally erratic braking resulted in the launching of said projectile into the front dash. Admittedly, Trouble did seem to be particularly embarrassed about this one (and the other dog did have the good sense to look suitably horrified).
( March 2016 )
