When Dr. Yvonne Hoogland’s husband died in 2021 after 28 years of marriage, she was devastated. The Reston resident dug deep to establish meaningful relationships with neighbors in her building, but after 18 months, she was ready to consider dating.
“You can’t be a hermit inside your condo or your house the whole time. I think it’s getting yourself out there,” she says. “You need to see what really makes you happy, and then find somebody who has the same mindset as you.”
The 70-year-old retired physician jumped into the senior citizen dating pool and says she kissed a few frogs before she found her prince.
“I went on OurTime.com because supposedly it’s for older people — that was a trip,” she says. “I’d never done this before. You had to write your bio and talk to people, and you know, sometimes they chose me and so, it’s just ridiculous.”
Hoogland struck out when dabbling with cyber love but fortunately met her now-steady suitor through a friend — no bio or photos required.
It’s a tough game for single people of any age, but dating for people who are in their 50s, 60s, and beyond can be fraught with unexpected landmines. Do you search for love or just settle for companionship? Is marriage an option? Is sex still on the table? What do you really want out of the relationship? In general, seniors know themselves better and can determine what they want in terms of a mate, which may be very different than the life partner they chose in their 20s or 30s. With decades of life experience under their belts, seniors may have learned valuable lessons, as a result of a divorce or a spouse’s death, that will guide their dating decisions moving forward.
Dating for people over 50 came into focus last year with ABC’s reality TV show The Golden Bachelor, where bachelor Gerry Turner courted multiple women (including one from Alexandria), married one of them, and got divorced three months later. A spinoff, The Golden Bachelorette, begins airing on Wednesday, September 18, with 61-year-old Joan Vassos of Rockville, Maryland. Vassos, a school administrator who’s a mother of four and grandmother of two, was a fan favorite who eliminated herself on The Golden Bachelor. Now, the widow is expected to captivate audiences as she searches for love.
With another reality senior romance show beginning, perhaps more people of a certain age may consider looking for love. Could it be that people over age 60 still have a beating heart and aren’t just focused on their arthritis and bridge games? How do you get back on the dating scene after a long absence?
Taking the Leap
One 59-year-old divorced woman who wished to remain anonymous can sympathize with those who are not sure meeting the companion of their dreams is in the cards.
“I used to joke with people once I got divorced: You walk into a bar. Women go in thinking, ‘Oh, everybody’s Prince Charming.’ And they go to town,” says the retired law enforcement officer. “They see Prince Charming, I see Shrek. I’m not settling.”
Dipping your toe in the dating pool is not for the faint of heart, says online dating coach Julie Spira of CyberDatingExpert.com.
And seniors are dating. One in 6 Americans 50 and older has used a dating site or app, according to Pew Research Center.
“It’s challenging to get back in the game at any age, but I think it’s actually easier now to find someone because of online dating,” she says. Spira offers love-seekers tips to pep up their profile and turn love lives around.
Where to Begin
Getting yourself out there is step one, Spira says. Look around in your community to meet people by joining a senior center or book club, taking classes at a community college, or volunteering at a museum. Or, if you’re ready to surf the net for Mr. or Ms. Right, senior-centered dating websites like SeniorMatch, DateMyAge, and SilverSingles cater to the older age groups. Spira says twice as many more couples are meeting online than through friends.
“I really feel there needs to be an online and an offline strategy,” she says. “I encourage people to create a dating profile, and simultaneously I’ll say, ‘Ask everybody you know if there’s anybody they’d like to introduce you to that is available.’”
Keep in mind that everyone’s experience differs. In her search for happiness, Hoogland found that meeting potential mates through her inner circle was far more successful than online dating.
“I think it’s safer to meet people through friends or acquaintances,” she says. “If you meet somebody your friends know, you don’t have to worry as much about all those other questions; you don’t have to think about if he has a criminal record.”
Know What You Want
Spira advises knowing your end goal before you start. “You have to be very specific with your dating intentions,” she says. “Some people really just want to go on a bunch of dates and meet new people, and then some people want to be exclusive.”
Introducing your new lady friend or beau to family can be a pivotal moment in a relationship, and Spira says you shouldn’t take it lightly.
“Before you even meet this special person, discuss with your family that you’ve decided to start dating again,” she says. “Then start dating, and once somebody rises above the rest and you start to see them regularly, once you have a conversation with your new partner that you want to be exclusive, then you let your family know.”
If relationships grow and deepen, a couple can take next steps with mingling finances, sex, or living arrangements.
“There’s all these issues you have to think about,” Hoogland says. “What are you willing to tolerate or not tolerate? I like to be romantic, but some women I’ve met are like, ‘I really don’t want anybody to touch me anymore.’ They don’t want to have sex anymore. Really, so what do you want right now?”
Transparency from the beginning is key. You don’t want to waste your time or someone else’s.
“It’s important to talk about your relationship goals,” Spira says. “Do labels matter to you? Does it matter if you call someone boyfriend or girlfriend? Do you want monogamy or non-monogamy? Do you want to keep separate homes or live under the same roof? And it’s essential to talk about family values — how much time is spent with your children or grandchildren? So, it’s really essential to talk about your relationship goals.”
Considering the Future
Dating, for not-so-young folks, can bring friendship, companionship, and even love, but those brave enough to put themselves out there should consider a few things.
“You need to discuss finances — I feel like being fiscally responsible and having a good credit score is the new sexy,” says Spira, noting vital topics to address, like combining finances or keeping finances separate, and your values about spending and money. Where you live or where you’re willing to move is also important.
“Do not get hung up on ZIP codes,” says Spira, adding that many people can work remotely. “ZIP codes are not a barrier to finding love.”
Whether searching for true love or just hoping to find a charming dinner companion, many seniors are spreading their wings and going for broke. By way of cyber dating or good old fashioned face-to-face meetings, seniors are proving they’re not past their shelf lives for a happily ever after.
“I don’t think there’s an expiration date on love,” Spira says. “Everybody deserves another chance to find somebody special.”
Feature image, stock.adobe.com
This story originally ran in our September issue. For more stories like this, subscribe to Northern Virginia Magazine.
