Maybe your Valentine’s Day didn’t go too well. Maybe you’ve found someone else. For whatever reason, you’ve decided to break up with your significant other. But now you’re stressing out over how to do it—should you tell the person over dinner? Write a letter? Go the ghosting route? We talked to local relationship counselor Janine Murphy-Neilson LPC to find out the best way to break up with someone (hint: It’s not ghosting).
Q: How do you know when you need to break up with someone?
A: Obviously if there’s any abuse going on, if there’s any addictions going on. Sometimes people say that relationships take work. There are things you can work on, and then there are things that are more difficult to work on. The biggest thing I think is the other person’s willingness to work with you. If you get someone who says, “I don’t think there’s a problem,” or “it works for me,” I thinks that’s a real sign that you’re not going to get anywhere in the relationship.
Q: How do you approach that conversation?
A: I think one of the worst things that happens in relationships is that people get blindsided. They don’t know there’s been a problem, or they don’t know how serious you were, and then all of a sudden, they’re getting dumped. I think it’s important to say to someone, “Listen, I’m having a problem here. I’m not happy about this. Can we talk about it?” And then you test the waters to see is someone responsive to that. Having conversations along the way and being able to test someone’s responsiveness to meeting your needs is really important. If someone’s committed to that relationship, then you see that willingness to do something different.
Q: How do you go about it without stomping all over someone’s feelings?
A: If you sit someone down and say, “You’re a selfish so-and-so; you don’t care about me,” that might not get the best results. If you talk about what you’re feeling, that’s better. Sometimes people are so worried about rocking the boat. They don’t want to upset someone; they don’t want to fight. Then over time, they disengage from the relationship to the point whether they’re done, and the other person goes, “What? What do you mean you’re done?” And then it’s too late. Maybe sometimes it is an uncomfortable conversation. Maybe it does cause conflict. But then it’s an opportunity to see if you, as a couple, can weather that conflict and figure out a way to move forward or not. If someone’s feelings are hurt and they’re just not interested in hearing what you need, that’s a good indication that this is not a good relationship, that this isn’t one that’s going to be workable in the long term.
Q: One thing that’s popular with young people in the dating scene is ghosting, or suddenly cutting off communication without explanation. Is that ever a good strategy?
A: I’ve had clients sit in my office just so befuddled, trying to figure it out—”I thought the date went really well! They asked for my phone number, and then poof, never heard from them again.” I just think it’s horrible to leave people hanging, especially if you’ve invested any time in a relationship, or if it’s become sexual, I think it’s just horribly painful to be left hanging. If someone says, “Look, you’re not for me,” or “I’ve hooked up with my ex,” or whatever, for most people it might hurt, but they can wrap their minds around it. But when you just have no idea, I just think it’s terrible.
Q: Should you try to stay friends after the fact?
A: I think that depends on a couple of things. I think there are situations where that can work. Absolutely. Even in the best of breakups, I think it usually takes some time to disengage from the romantic [side]. But if it’s a mutual thing and they’re in agreement that they’re not a great couple and their friendship was better, then that’s great. But a lot of times, one person is still very romantically attached to the other person and the other just wants to transition to friends, and that doesn’t work. A lot of times people try to do that very quickly, and it’s usually very difficult when one person’s having a tough time with the breakup, so I think in those cases it’s best to get a little distance, let people heal, and then maybe you can come back and be friends. I think that can work.
Q: Anything else?
A: A lot people hold on to that hope that somehow, magically, things are going to change, but sometimes if people have very different values, that’s one of those things that you can’t [change]. If one person says, “My goal is to be married and have children,” and you’re with someone who says “I don’t ever see that for myself,” that’s most likely not going to change. You don’t want to pin your hopes on that. Have the courage to hold out for the things that are important to you. But it takes that courage to end the relationship and be alone. That’s hard to do but may save you a lot of aggravation in the long term.
Find all our Sex, Love and Ghosting articles on this month’s pop-up blog here.