I’m sure it’s no surprise that when ladies get together they talk about the men in their lives. Married women brag and complain about their husbands, sometimes in the same breath. Single females talk about wretched dates, rude men and, in some cases, those males that dazzle them and can turn into partners. Or so they hope.
In my professional and personal life I’m terrified of jinxing myself when it comes to a potentially amazing opportunity or encounter. That’s why if I go on a great date friends may not hear about it. Hell, if I go on three great dates they may not hear about it. By discussing it openly I worry that I’m killing something positive while it’s still developing. Same goes with a seemingly cool job prospect. I try not to mention it until it’s set in stone—if that’s even possible these days.
Many of my friends don’t share this ridiculous fear of jinxing good things, so I hear it all. I’ve heard about so many promising men over time. Some fade away. And then some continue to prove to be worth talking about and obviously no jinxing happened.
Either way, I’ve noticed an odd trend amongst my female pals lately: Several will tell me about a man with whom they see some spark, some attraction. They’ll express optimism and restrained excitement. And then they’ll issue a cross between a disclaimer and an apology.
Just so you know, he’s not that good-looking.
Like a punch to the gut of the poor guy if he ever knew that was how he was explained. Then my friend will show me a picture or explain what makes said guy slightly less than a perfect physical specimen.
I have to say that each time this sequence of events happens the guy does not turn out to be ugly or hideous. Sure, he’s not a GQ model, but who is?! Yet my female friend will have readied me for a scenario where he could practically be the Elephant Man.
Why?
This whole apologizing because he may be seen as not attractive enough is awkward, goofy and sort of disturbing to me.
I’m wondering if it’s just a few of my scattered amigas or signs of a bigger anxiety.
Perhaps it’s tied to a fear of being judged. Humans and—I’m sorry to say this about my gender—females in particular are judgmental. Maybe my friends are trying to be proactive and call out anything that others would criticize about a potential suitor before they have a chance to?
This saddens me. If the guy’s great who cares if he’s Brad Pitt or Paul Giamatti.
Now I’m not saying that looks don’t matter at all. I want to be attracted to someone I date. I think if you’re not and things stay unromantic well then they call that being friends with someone.
But one person’s definition of attractive is another person’s “meh.” As long as my friends find their guys pleasing to look at and find that chemistry, what does it matter what the rest of the world thinks about his outer shell?!
In each case, after a female pal readied me with “He’s not that good-looking” I’ve tried to follow it up with something along the lines of, “Well, do you think he’s cute?” Each time the follow-up is yes. As it should be.
If not, then it’s a problem. If he’s just not good-looking enough to bowl over anyone with his scorching hotness, or to anchor a Hollywood blockbuster well, who cares. Let’s stop apologizing for the not-even-existent shortcomings of a guy who could very well not deserve the disclaimer.
-Dena