No parent can really prepare for the deafening silence of a once-busy home after the children move out and you have an empty nest. “Dropping my first child, Monica, off at college was tearful,” recalls Sterling mom Laurie Stefanelli. “Suddenly she was gone, and we didn’t have the daily contact that we had before. I was better prepared when our son, Alex, left for college a few years later, but it was so hard adjusting to the quiet.”
For years, Stefanelli enthusiastically supported her children’s activities as a volunteer in their high school drama productions and band programs. “I served as PTO secretary and president and was very involved at the school. Alex’s friends and band had always spent lots of time at our house practicing music, and now everything was different. We had to adjust to a new normal, and letting go was hard.”
Stefanelli filled the void by becoming a Loudoun County Public Schools employee, first as a substitute teacher and then as a career center assistant before eventually retiring.
“I needed to redefine myself in a way that wasn’t focused on my children and their activities. I wanted to bring music back into my life rather than enjoying it vicariously through my kids. That’s when I learned about Encore Creativity for Older Adults, the world’s largest singing choral arts organization for adults 55 and older, and I joined a local chorale and learned to sing again. I have benefitted mentally, physically, and socially from singing with Encore. It helped me meet new friends, my new tribe, who share my interest in music,” Stefanelli says.
For Joy and Walt Heuer of Herndon, an empty nest freed up time to explore new interests together. Joy, a federal employee, and Walt, who works for Koons Automotive in Tysons, began by volunteering as vetted “beer pourers” at Herndon’s Friday Night Live free summer concert series.
“It was something we never had time for when the kids were living at home,” says Joy. “Friday Night Live became a regular activity for us. We met lots of new people and reconnected with a lot of parents we had met through our kids over the years. We always welcome new volunteers.”
Joy says she also has more time to help those in need. “Volunteering provides a way to care for others as I cared for my growing children. I enjoy sharing my knowledge and talents with organizations such as LINK, a consortium of local churches that provides food assistance to Herndon and Sterling families. I pack food a few times a month and serve on the board as the representative from my church.”
The couple also expanded on a previous boating hobby. “After the college bills were paid, we decided to get a larger boat, a 37-foot cruiser. We have cruised the length of the Potomac from Georgetown to the Chesapeake, and we’ve been out on the Chesapeake from Aberdeen to Cambridge, Maryland. We hope to venture farther,” says Joy. “We’re finding that life on the water is pretty good!”
Six Ways to Refill an Empty Nest
Revisit Former Interests and Goals
Chances are you began shelving many of your own needs, plans, and dreams the second you brought that first precious bundle of dependent joy into your home. An empty nest provides an opportunity to revisit who you were before becoming a parent. Dust off sidelined pursuits and ambitions and pick up where you left off.
If completing a degree or upgrading career skills is on the list, register for classes. George Mason University’s Continuing and Professional Education program is a great start. If you’ve been neglecting artistic desires, brush up with high-level instruction at The Art League School in Old Town Alexandria, or join community dramatic arts organizations, like the City of Fairfax Theatre Company. If proficiency in a foreign language is a delayed goal, in-person instruction is available at Berlitz Tysons Corner Language Center. Did shuttling children to activities curtail your own travel lust? Apply for or update your passport and start checking off bucket-list destinations near and far.
Self-Care
You’ve spent at least two decades caring for others; now it’s time to care for yourself. Visit your physician to address physical or mental health concerns and get up to date with recommended immunizations and screenings. Maybe it’s time to focus on finally kicking a tobacco or alcohol habit, and Virginia has resources to help.
If excessive weight is an issue, find an organization, such as NOVA Physician Wellness Center, for support and guidance. Explore fitness programs where you can also make new friends, such as Fit Body Boot Camp or Orange Theory Fitness. Northern Virginia has abundant locations for bicycling, hiking, golf, racquet sports, and other activities. Find one that’s right for you. Village Pickle in Leesburg can get you started on the pickleball craze, and the Potomac Appalachian Trail Club has resources to help you hike with confidence. Or, grease up your bicycle and hop on the Mount Vernon Trail or bike the length of the Washington and Old Dominion Railroad Regional Park, solo or with a group. Last, if you put off caring for your own appearance while raising kids, update your wardrobe and treat yourself to some upscaled grooming at your favorite salon.
Volunteer
One reason parents feel unsettled when children leave the nest is that tending to the needs of others has not only become second nature, but key to their own happiness. If service is in your DNA, look for new ways to help others. Places of worship and community service organizations, such as the Salvation Army, Habitat for Humanity or Cornerstones, already have frameworks in place to volunteer time and share talents.
Consider tutoring struggling children or helping English language learners at local schools, libraries, churches, and shelters. Check websites for specific needs. Ronald McDonald House of Northern Virginia welcomes volunteers, as do hospice organizations, such as Capital Caring Health, or groups that support senior citizens and those with different abilities, like Loudoun Volunteer Caregivers.
Contact a local hospital, scout group, or park, such as Meadowlark Botanical Gardens, and ask to help out. Finally, volunteering could be something as simple as checking in with an ill or older neighbor who needs companionship, help with chores, and rides to appointments, so reacquaint yourself with those who live nearby and consider whether you can help make their lives better.
Reconnect
It’s easy to lose touch with family, friends, and neighbors during the hustle of raising children. Consider organizing a neighborhood walking group or monthly block party, cookout, happy hour, or morning coffee. Launch a neighborhood newsletter, social media page, or directory to keep everyone in touch. Social clubs to read books or play card or board games are other options. Plan outings with friends and try to include someone new.
Make a list of family and friend birthdays, and be more mindful of regularly sending cards and handwritten letters. Get to know your neighbors by volunteering for community or association committees. Or get involved with local politics, perhaps as a Virginia election poll worker.
Prepare for the Future
Ready or not, the next life-changing step after embracing an empty nest will be embracing retirement. Use this time to get your financial and estate planning in order. Consult a trusted financial professional to plan for retirement income.
Select a reputable estate lawyer to create a trust or will that provide for your care and protect your heirs.
This is also a great time to preserve memories for your children and grandchildren. Tap those thousands of digital photos on your phone and computer to create photo books that everyone can enjoy. Gather old hard-copy photos and family videos, and convert them to digital files you share with the entire family. Take that idea further by creating a family genealogy record, whether in the form of a photo book, a genealogy website, or a detailed family tree, to preserve your knowledge and memories for future generations. Northern Virginia has several free FamilySearch centers and affiliate libraries, the largest free genealogy database in the world, operated by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints but open to the public regardless of faith affiliation.
Rest
Not everyone feels the need to find new things to do as soon as soon as their kids leave home. If you’ve been juggling a career all these years while also shopping for and preparing meals, caring for aging parents, tending to house maintenance, and managing myriad schedules and activities for one or more children, you might just want a chance to simply slow down a bit and breathe. Raising children to be independent adults is not easy, so pat yourself on the back for a job well done, pour a tall iced tea on the porch, flip through a magazine, and enjoy the ability to hop off of what at times may have felt like a continuous treadmill.
Feature image, stock.adobe.com
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